Thanks to Zal for convincing me to sit for the paper last night.
Was quite surprised by the paper and i think i should be able to pass.
Being in human contact last night drew me out of my stupor a little.
I finally found out the reason he left.
Can't help but feel a little resentment towards the reason.
But i guess it will pass.
It's family after all.
My long awaited holidays are finally here but i don't really feel in the mood.
I feel so tired.

Sitting in school trying to concentrate.
Still wondering if I should sit for this paper.
I don't know if I have put in enough to sit for it.
Conflicted.
If I sit for it and fail, I'll have to repeat it next year and my GPA and honors will be gone.
If I don't sit for it, I'll still have to repeat but my GPA is saved.
Stressed.
What happens now?
=(

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I keep expecting you to come running towards me with your tongue hanging out.
Goofy smile on your face as if you did something really great.
I keep thinking of the soft fur on your head and the long wispy ones by the side of your ears that make you look so dashing.
I may look and act normal on the outside.
But inside, i still grieve for you.
I don't feel like talking to anyone.
I don't want to go out.
You left another hole in my heart that no one can fill.
I remember the first day you came to me.
You slept on my lap as i stroked your small body.
I loved you since the first time i laid eyes on you.
And now you're gone.
Just like that.

*

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
- Cry, Kelly Clarkson

Sometimes, i'm quite thankful i'm a semi-camwhore.
And thank you to the advancement of technology.
For giving me devices capable of recording my memories.
It may not be much, but at least i am in possession of some videos of my handsome dog.
Videos and photos will not make up for the real thing.
But they will have to suffice since i can no longer hold him in my arms.
The gate used to stop him from going where he's not supposed to go has been removed.
His water bowl which used to be beside the kitchen door has been taken to be cremated with him.
His favorite blue comforter as well.
Almost everything he likes has been put to cremation with him.
His treats even.
It's almost as if he was never here as i look around the house.
Waiting for the end of the week so we can collect his ashes.
Then he will really be home with us.
I miss you so much puppy.

If I can't even show my true emotions here at home, where else can I let them show?
Is it still called a home then if I can't even be myself?
Is a home a place where I have to continue to wear a facade?
You say you love me.
But you don't allow me to be myself at home.
How is that love?
I've lost a companion of 14 years.
You expect me to get over it just like that?
It's been 4 years since my other companion left and I'm still suffering everyday.
Do you think I'll get over 14 years so easily?
Instead of being strong for me, you turn against me.
You turn my own grief and emotions against me.
I hate you.
I hate this house.
I hate living a lie everyday just to please you!
I hate myself for loving this family so much I have to end up hating the person I am.
I hate you.
I hate you!
I hate you!!!!!!!!!!

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5th September, 1998 ~ 20th May, 2012.

Goodbye my Happy puppy.
I will always love you and you will always be dearly remembered.

*

No, i am not ok.
My companion for 13years 9months has gone and i am not ok.
While i thank everyone for their condolences, stop asking if i'm ok.
Coz i never will be.
He died such a tragic end and he didn't deserve it at all.
He lived his last moments alone without any one of us by his side.
We had to collect his body from SPCA this morning.
Drove him home and when we were almost home, the radio played 'Home'.
How apt.
All my Happy wanted to do was come home.
Forgive us for not finding you sooner.
You will always have a home here.
I feel unable to face the world.
I don't feel like taking my exams.
I just want to hide in my room and wait for the familiar scratching that will never be heard again.
No one will come running to greet me with his tongue hanging out when i get home.
No one will fight with me over bed space.
No one to bug me when he's hungry.
I miss you so dearly Happy.
I miss you so much.

My dog is missing.
And it's my fault.
I should have checked.
Should have made sure he was where he was.
And we didn't even realize he was gone until 2hours later!
What kind of lousy owners are we?!?!
With that kind of a head start, where do we even begin to look?
Searching high and low for him.
Blisters on my feet from all the walking but still no sign.
Why must so many things happen during my exams?
Please come back Happy.
Please be safe.
Just come home please.
:(

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So the results are out and it's been confirmed.
Will have to start watching diets.
Mild case that can be kept under control as long as everything is done in moderation.
Still....
I'm feeling upset about it.
On the day of my exams I have to battle this fact.
Can't seen to concentrate on the words in front of me.
When we're young, we always think our parents as invincible.
Even at my age I'm in awe of what they can do at their age.
But it's times like these that remind us that our parents are only human.
They grow old.
They fall sick.
They eventually will go where all humans go.
It's a horrible thought.
Just a mild case of this and I'm spiraling down this morbid road of thought.
I wonder what kind of thoughts my brain will harbor when it becomes truly serious.
This is the reason why I don't speak up even when I'm wronged.
How many more years do they have left anyway?
Bad news to start my papers with.
Riddled with worry.
I won't be surprised if I don't do well this term.
But let's just hope for the best.
Complicated, morbid thought processes should be an offense during exams.

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Under 24hours to my first paper.
Not feeling very stressed about this paper and i wonder why.
I've done my revision and i think it should be enough.
Feeling more stressed about what's happening at home.
We don't have a known history of it so i guess the chances are relatively low.
But it doesn't mean it won't happen.
Everyday, they get older and more things happen.
First was the big scare just over a year and a half ago.
Now this.
I really hope it's just a scare.
A warning to us to look after them better.
Time passes so fast.
I don't know how to handle it.
This is why sometimes i'd rather just stay home with my family than hang out with friends.
The results will be out tomorrow.
I just hope it's a false alarm.
I know i don't pray often.
But maybe someone out there will hear my voice tonight.